Have you found yourself asking “Should I leave or should I stay in a relationship?” The same could be said with a friendship that leaves you questioning “Is this good for me?” When you have an unbalanced relationship that leaves you feeling devalued and disrespected? Do you fear ending it by telling them they are no longer welcome in your life?
This can be difficult to do, especially if they are a family member. The answer is more simple than you think. You don’t have to be the one who ends the relationship because you can learn how to negotiate peacefully and get what you want without being the “bad guy.”
Relationships can Go Up and Down
Relationships can be like a roller coaster ride that leaves you questioning if it is the right one for you. You can answer the dilemma on whether to stay or leave in your relationship by asking yourself if you want to continue living the same way for another ten years?
If you answered no, then don’t waste ten years of your life before deciding the relationship is not working. Your purpose is to experience happiness and freedom, so time to get cracking and make some changes. Yes – I know you’re thinking “What about my partner? He is the one who is rude and disrespectful – shouldn’t he be the one to change?”
Switch the Dance
You are right – he must change, but for him to change, you must change first! You both have been doing the same old dance together for way too long. He says the same thing then you react in the same way, yadda, yadda, yadda.
You both have been waltzing away for years. Now when he waltzes, you have to do the cha-cha. The dance between the both of you must change. Take some time out to decide what you want from your relationship. Decide on the things you will longer tolerate and practice how you will express your needs. Once this is done, the next step is to make yourself heard…
Express What You Want
Have an open conversation by asking him what he wants, clarify the behaviour expected from him and things you’ll no longer tolerate. For example, “When we are out in public, I don’t feel valued when you use derogatory comments about me. I want you to speak respectfully about me.” Next, you must decide how to manage the situation if your partner does not validate your needs. “When we go out, and you choose to make disrespectful comments, I will drive myself home and I will limit my social gatherings with you. I understand this has been a habit of yours and difficult for you to change. The choice is yours – if you can agree, I would be happy to go out with you to social events.”
Pass It Back
If you have a negative partner who continually blames you for things that go wrong, expects his dinner cooked, and expects “extracurricular activities” or any other “free benefit” that comes with a partnership, you need to set things straight. You can start by saying “I don’t feel I deserve to be treated this way.
If you continue in this manner, for me to stay sane in this relationship, cook your meals, and get in the “mood” when you want “some,” I will soon need expensive therapy which you will need to pay for. I will also be taking extra “me” time with the girls from now on. If you can be more respectful, I would be happy to spend more time with you. If you can’t, then I will see you much less, and you will pay for my therapy – your choice!”
State your Boundaries
When you stipulate your boundaries, your partner is choosing whether to continue the relationship. Eventually, your partner will change, or the relationship will fall away and end. This applies to all relationships, friends, colleagues and family members.
Choose your philosophy in life. If you are respectful to others, then it should be reciprocated. Always give people the option of choosing to treat you with respect, or seeing you a lot less. You have the right to nurturing relationships that offer you support and fulfillment.
Wishing you blessings and great friendships always,