What was I thinking? Plead guilty on the grounds of temporary insanity!

Have you said to yourself “What the hell was I thinking?” Do you reflect on your life and shake your head in disbelief at the things you allowed? I do. That’s why I explain my past actions as pleading guilty on the grounds of “temporary insanity.”

What is it that makes some of us so vulnerable to saying yes to a partner who is abusive, controlling or disrespectful? Maybe it’s a boss who is a bully or a friend who stabs you in the back. Why is it that we are sometimes not aware that we are allowing disrespectful behaviour or if we are, why do we continue to accept it?

Today I can answer those questions as I feel I have ‘woken up’ to understanding myself. I believe I know why I allowed or attracted disrespect, and what it was doing to my life. I can say that I was unhappy or not living my full potential when I allowed these things. I was a hot mess!
I realised the past abuse from my father (and my mother who allowed it) had programmed me to think my self-worth was nonexistent and that disrespectful or abusive behaviour was my ‘norm.’

Religion instill guilt

Religion also played a big part in my guilt. I followed Christ and his teachings, so suffering and hardship I thought was my only way back to heaven. I wanted to live a life just like Christ… after all, he was my role model. I thought I was born guilty and in sin, which made me think that being abused was my punishment. In my later years when I joined the Mormon church, I was continually told: “Where much is given, much is required”. Suffering seemed to be the price for Christ’s atonement. On a subconscious level, there was always conflict wanting freedom and happiness. I felt the best me was serving others – which I did continually to my detriment. I was so worn out from continually giving and not expecting to receive in return.

I would reject compliments and people who treated me nicely. I was attracted to people who were abusive or betrayed me. It’s always difficult to undo the religious programming and childhood conditioning of tolerating abuse in its many forms. I have observed that the people who have created a troubled adult life are usually the ones who were most abused or had a negative environment throughout their childhood.

Childhood upbringing

When a parent is judgmental of others or themselves, a child is telling themselves that they are not good enough. The parent inadvertently teaches the child they are not enough as the child applies the same rules to themselves. I must say that I was fortunate my mother was very understanding of others and did not care too much about what others thought. This has been a gift to me.  My mind is not in a prison of trying to make others happy or being compelled to do the “right thing continually.” Despite the abuse I endured (and since healed), I also have the freedom of not caring about others opinions and judgments. My main criteria for a relationship with others now requires respect and honesty.

The message I have for others is to wake them up to see they have been the product of their childhood and continual negative self-talk. It’s time to infuse a new program of feeling worthy and give up the need to please others. Imagine the freedom of feeling self-love and nothing else. When you are in this state, it is so much easier to love others. Please share your thoughts in the comments below.

Sending you blessings and love so you can reach and exceed your full potential. You were born pure; you were born to be great!!

Blessings and love,

Marisa ♥

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