What was I thinking? Plead guilty on the grounds of temporary insanity!
Have you said to yourself “What the hell was I thinking?” Do you reflect on your life and shake your head in disbelief at the things you allowed? I do. That’s why I explain my past actions as pleading guilty on the grounds of “temporary insanity.”
What is it that makes some of us so vulnerable to saying yes to a partner who is abusive, controlling or disrespectful? Maybe it’s a boss who is a bully or a friend who stabs you in the back. Why is it that we are sometimes not aware that we are allowing disrespectful behaviour or if we are, why do we continue to accept it?
Today I can answer those questions as I feel I have ‘woken up’ to understanding myself. I believe I know why I allowed or attracted disrespect, and what it was doing to my life. I can say that I was unhappy or not living my full potential when I allowed these things. I was a hot mess!
I realised the past abuse from my father (and my mother who allowed it) had programmed me to think my self-worth was nonexistent and that disrespectful or abusive behaviour was my ‘norm.’
Religion instill guilt
Religion also played a big part in my guilt. I followed Christ and his teachings, so suffering and hardship I thought was my only way back to heaven. I wanted to live a life just like Christ… after all, he was my role model. I thought I was born guilty and in sin, which made me think that being abused was my punishment. In my later years when I joined the Mormon church, I was continually told: “Where much is given, much is required”. Suffering seemed to be the price for Christ’s atonement. On a subconscious level, there was always conflict wanting freedom and happiness. I felt the best me was serving others – which I did continually to my detriment. I was so worn out from continually giving and not expecting to receive in return.
I would reject compliments and people who treated me nicely. I was attracted to people who were abusive or betrayed me. It’s always difficult to undo the religious programming and childhood conditioning of tolerating abuse in its many forms. I have observed that the people who have created a troubled adult life are usually the ones who were most abused or had a negative environment throughout their childhood.
Childhood upbringing
When a parent is judgmental of others or themselves, a child is telling themselves that they are not good enough. The parent inadvertently teaches the child they are not enough as the child applies the same rules to themselves. I must say that I was fortunate my mother was very understanding of others and did not care too much about what others thought. This has been a gift to me. My mind is not in a prison of trying to make others happy or being compelled to do the “right thing continually.” Despite the abuse I endured (and since healed), I also have the freedom of not caring about others opinions and judgments. My main criteria for a relationship with others now requires respect and honesty.
The message I have for others is to wake them up to see they have been the product of their childhood and continual negative self-talk. It’s time to infuse a new program of feeling worthy and give up the need to please others. Imagine the freedom of feeling self-love and nothing else. When you are in this state, it is so much easier to love others. Please share your thoughts in the comments below.
Sending you blessings and love so you can reach and exceed your full potential. You were born pure; you were born to be great!!
Blessings and love,
Marisa ♥
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7 Comments
Thank you for sharing your inspiring path, I love your courage, bravery, passion and huge loving heart. I love your life’s work and mission, you’re truly a great, empowering, wise, leader and beautiful healer and teacher…and trusting inspiring role model.
I too shake my head in disbelief looking back at how how long it took me to come out from hiding emotionally and physically in the corner of my wardrobe like I did firstly hiding from my drunk and abusive grandfather as a young child, and later on in my formative years and young adulthood from my drunk, violent, physically and emotionally abusive father.., This caused me to react over and over again each time I encountered the same violent energy, angry tones of voice, physical and emotional abuse and I would always hold myself tightly and go inward into my “safe wardrobe” and not knowing or even realizing that whilst I was searching and longing for the love that I was never shown by my father and grandfather I’d be somehow on a subtle level was giving off a scent of fear and vulnerability which as you know is what lowlife men that preyed violently and disgustingly on women seek and follow.
Hence due to this unbeknownst to me this invisible dark and evil energy that lurked in the shadows I was lead to be raped multiple times. I was gang raped in my teen years (which I never reported or told anyone about because I was so full of fear and unbelievable physical, emotional and sexually damaging pain) and afterwards I felt like I was holding down a beach ball underwater and afraid to let it rise..(the beach ball being symbolic negative sexual violation and deep shame and sadness) which was indirectly caused by a so called boyfriend at the time which I only discovered recently his involvement. And once again I was raped at gunpoint by an associate of another boyfriend later on in young adulthood..
In saying that there are some more dark shadows in the corners of my closet.. But the light, love and healing energies are assisting me to expose them one by one to gently and lovingly release, clear and heal them. I love that the negative experiences I have encountered and experienced have transformed into a positive learning path and direction and by being a wounded healer I can truly understand and have empathy when assisting and helping others heal similar wounds..
But I must say with much respect and gratitude Marissa.. you have no idea how much you have made a difference in my life.. indirectly and directly through the pathway of wisdom and healing.. abundant blessings, love, light, wisdom, peace, healing and happiness Jeannette <3
Bless you Jeanette a hundred times over for all the unbearable pain you have suffered …. you show so much courage and insight …. you too bless so many women who come your way .. thank you for your support – I treasure it Love Marisa ♥
This is me and put into words….I am 56 years old and chasing why my passion for life has diminished. I bought the forensic healing online course….I have created blocks in finding clients for sessions….my power of intention is releasing this so very much….I want to move forward. I so much desire to be part of your live training that I am saving the funds to participate next year sometime. I send you One Million Blessings to your gift….Thank you Marisa.
I know this email is aimed at women, but I like Marisa and the stuff she has to say. I feel compelled to comment. The Beatles said it best when they sang “Love, Love, Love ….All you need is love” Your world and everything in it begins and ends with you. Where you start (and it is the same for us men too and it’s where I started as well) is with a healthy love of yourself. When you are brave enough to stand in front of the mirror and say “I Love You” and “I demand and deserve the best in Life” then things really begin to change. People close to you may be uncomfortable or even attack you for no good reason because your feelings have changed and this disturbs others on so many levels. Everyone and everything is in your life for a reason – a great deal is for you to learn. Learn about yourself – the more you understand you, the better you understand others. Then you start reading uplifting books and engaging in self empowerment programs and making new friends and setting goals and then filling your life with joy and wonderful people. Then you reach a point where you can be thankful for even the most disasterous events and people for helping you reach your goals and happiness.
I wish everyone nothing but the best in life, believe in yourself and nothing will stop you. X
Thank you for your encouraging words Russell 🙂 We could all do with some more lov’n Blessings ♥
Well done Marissa, it took me years to realise that it was my children to my 1st marriage that were abusive Bullies, so after multiple requests to stop, it took a major stress scare for me to say enough, I do not deserve your actions or gossip. I shut the door on our relationship, and it took I while but oh Joy the freedom I have felt since then is powerful, sadly the other children decided to take sides.. even tho they are 1/2 brothers & sisters , My husband of 37 years was devastated that they would slander us like that. So I wrote a book called Tariku of my journey the abuse of religion, a 1st marriage and children, my recovery and the Joy i feel in my life now.I had it published, those of my contacts that read it have also said well done. Now I am going to a healer in your training program that is lifting damaging past life experiences and we found a curse from 1800’s, the constant Migraines of 30 years almost gone yahoo keep healing, keep teaching, and keep showing us that there is a light at the tunnel. I would love to be apart of it, but after I wrote my 1st book I believe I am spirit guided to write motivational books for women, I am on my 3rd book now. oncer again huge thank you from all the women out there who are still bound by there beliefs.
thank you for your comments Kez ….. great that you are helping women too!! I am glad that you are seeing a Forensic Healer as they will lift the curse for you both … they are so common and the things that cause the most damage. Have a great journey and sending you and your husband angels to guide and protect you always ♥