Excerpt from Freeing the Unloved Girl: How low can you go and recover?
During my journey to healing myself, there were many moments of clarity and truth. One of those moments was when my childhood friend said that I should not feel guilty or indebted to my father for helping me out financially on the only occasion that he did. My friend stated that fathers are supposed to help their children. She proceeded to tell me her story of how wonderful her father was and how he assisted her in so many kind ways as she grew up.
I was left scratching my head, as I had no idea until that moment it was normal for a father to help his child. I had watched all episodes of The Brady Bunch, and Mike Brady seemed like a nice dad, but it didn’t even register in my mind that it was not reasonable or even immoral to be emotionally, physically, or sexually abused.
My mother compounded the problem
My mother compounded the problem. When my father closed the door before abusing us, my mother ignored the screams and pleas for him to stop. She never intervened. I thought my mother loved me, but by allowing his behaviour to continue for years, she was sending a message that I was bad, guilty, and deserved to suffer.
All my beliefs about life stemmed from my childhood, and I can see exactly why my life was so dysfunctional or, to be blunt, completely stuffed as an adult. My first long-term relationship was at age 36 when I got married. That in itself showed that I could not maintain healthy relationships. It lasted only three years. I would’ve ended the marriage in the first week if I felt I had more choices. Instead, I remained a dutiful suffering Mormon wife under the impression that God was “refining” me through these trials. I knew no better, and I made bad choices that compounded my suffering.
My mind was wired for hardship
I needed help erasing the corrupted programme that ran in my brain 24/7. I came into this life with a pure, clean slate, not knowing anything. My parents wrote words on my blank slate that said my existence was only worthy of abuse. The words and beatings were etched on my soul, and as I grew older, I became the words and beatings, which then became my beliefs — nothing that anyone told me as an adult could change the sense of ugliness and lowliness that followed me everywhere I went. My father’s words and actions could not be erased no matter how hard I scrubbed my wounded body. All I knew was that life offered struggle and suffering until it became too unbearable to sustain. The words and abuse had to be erased and I had to find new memories and words that would heal my soul and re-establish my worth.
I had to find a way to delete the corrupted programming that caused this malfunction in my life and insert a new programme that told me I was a precious and deserving woman. Over many decades, I have had a total overhaul, and now I use the most recent upgraded software application that is defaulted to only living a free, deserving and happy life.
Your life is about reflecting your beliefs about yourself
Even if you aren’t dealing with the same corrupted software, I can help you with your new downloads – your new beliefs. We will be going into detail on how to make this happen throughout the chapters of this book. Commit to be kind to yourself, take time out, take deep breaths, and know that I am with you all the way. We can finish together in triumph, with passion and the sense of freedom that you have been longing. After all, we are all connected, and your success is my success.
Your body knows before you do
You are guided to this book for many reasons. Rest assured that you will be assisted in your process of becoming the person you deserve to be. Your body already knows what is coming up for you. I went through many strange experiences before I confronted my past abuse, and I saw the patterns that would lead up to those moments. I would experience anxiety, fear, and overwhelming hurt and betrayal. These physical and emotional patterns manifested weeks before my life-changing therapy sessions. When those experiences and feelings surfaced again, I began to realise it was my body giving me a cue that a huge change was soon to happen. In fact, each time an impactful change was about to take place, chaos preceded it. This pattern still exists today.
Hang in there – it’s so worth it!
Even though I wanted to hit the road and run for the hills before and during my therapy sessions, I forced myself to go through the process, as I knew that the truth would set me free. My pain was too much to bear, and the fear of staying the same way was greater than the fear of confronting my past. It’s like running your first marathon and not giving in when the times get tough. After finishing the race, there’s a feeling of exhilaration and accomplishment when you know you went beyond what you thought you were capable. It now feels so good being on the other side of the fence.
Blessings and love,
Marisa ♥
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